The confession brought more troubles into my life. On one hand my mind was trying to resist his thoughts and on the other hand my heart wrenched to tell him the whole truth…..shout out to him that its not just an infatuation….it can’t be for me at least, who in her whole life could never connect to the thoughts, ideas, perception of life of someone so closely. And in this battle between heart and mind, red veins overpowered the gray matter. My tears converted into blue ink spilled on parchment was all that I gifted him. My return gifts were prolonged smile, a promise to never turn anything awkward from his side and just lowering of eyes from my side. In that moment of silence and he peering through my eyes I could actually feel my heart beating very fast.
A girl who has a backbone would try to back-out if she does not feel wanted. But as always he makes all the difference. No one in this world but he is allowed to peep inside her soul. Not that she wants to open up her heart in front of him so easily, its just that things are no more in her control. She rather than being rationale let her emotions flow when he just looks at her and gives a child-like smile.I have more than a thousand reasons to admire him and his honesty being above all. He has made his space in my heart for what he IS, not for what I want him TO BE. Neither I let people know that my anger is at a peak, nor do they make it from my actions. But as I said that he makes all the difference, the very night when my self respect was hurt because he unintentionally made me feel that I wanted attention from him, he could easily make out that something has gone wrong.
“Would you like to join me for a walk?” …….this was the beginning of a new journey involving two bodies walking and two souls talking! The more I resist the more he becomes dominating. Finally I had to meet him because apparently he thought that differences needed to be cleared, which could not be done on phone or chat.I agreed to this thought (when is the case that I am not?). After lot of troubles in finding him I finally met him with two cups of ‘chai’ in my hands, maybe I wanted it to be the same as the day when we met (the true ones in us met). He made the fog of doubts vanish from my mind by saying that he would never try and hurt my self respect, and whatever happened was just coincidence. I still don’t know what were his intentions to make me walk by his side and introduce to his inner person, his past, his deep buried secrets. I did not know whether to feel elated on getting the trust factor or try to soothe his burning heart . I chose to remain silent and my soul answered him by communicating through my eyes. Every chapter of his life revealed one by one and the respect I held for him knew no bounds….even infinity turned its eyes away feeling ashamed. He said that neither its necessary that love has the same meaning in the dictionary of everyone’s life , nor its obvious for one to love someone the same way the other person does. I rather than decoding the facts whether it was a yes or no from his side supported his idea that relationships are no way necessary to establish a bond.
I had never expected anything out of him, maybe because deep down in my heart I already knew that I would never be the one for him or maybe there is no line between relationship and friendship for me. I was a bit tensed after opening up my heart in front of him due to the fear that he would gradually get away from me, but he being by my side and supporting me in my decision stating this incident as a cause of strengthening the roots of our friendship was a blow of fresh air for me. After that “YES”or “NO” turned to be mere words. Not that I cared for an acknowledgment earlier but I was more than confident now that I don’t need the string to be taut from both the ends, me and only my feelings are needed for this purity to persist in my soul.