“LOVE-is it breaking or creating me?” 3-DON’T MAKE ME FEEL HOLLOW, I AM ALREADY EATEN UP!

 

2

Whatever be the situation I try to be strong and never let firm ground slip under my feet. But the only situation when my nerves are not under my control is when I have to regret my own decisions. I being a rationale person, for the first time in my life followed the echoes coming from deep inside my heart, with a hope that I will not be wrong this time, with a tinge of nervousness of-course. Suddenly the world turned upside down, the most devastating nightmares came into existence and I could feel the sand slipping from my hands. The more I tighten my grip, the faster the breeze of time took the granules away from me which I had protected with my patience and care since long.

He was no more the same person I adored, rather respected.Every time he said something rude or behaved in a way which was not HIM, my heart stopped for a second and then paced faster than ever. The change all of a sudden was eating me up. Somewhere or the other it made me think around the lines that its because of all that I said to him regarding my feelings for him, and those words of mine are burdening him.But I know neither I have done something that should make him uncomfortable in front of others or expressed the feelings revolving in my head to him that very moment. This thing was making me feel hollow from within. The reason not being he treating me in a way that was not usual, but also because my presence was bothering him.Somehow destiny always brings him in front of me every time I try not to think of him (rather think more of him, in the process of trying not to think of him).I don’t know why my backbone is not strong when it comes to him!Once I had to lie to him, although I didn’t want to. But it was not that serious, which made him so upset and rude to me. I asked him a question that day,”Why can’t you forgive me that easily, the same way I am able to?” to which his answer was that he cannot answer me that question.I have a habit of remembering things especially if it comes from a person who matters to you so much! Every word of his, every action that day, is still alive inside me.And those were more than enough to tear me apart.

When the line was crossed I had to make a move and question him about it. I decided to make it clear whether my presence was annoying him, if that was the case, I was ready to abandon our friendship.

I didn’t know whether I was meeting him for the last time, the fate of our friendship was in his hands now. My feelings were a blend of anger, tension, sadness and concern. I blurred out every feeling of mine that was generating hurricanes inside me. I pleaded him repeatedly,”Please do not make me feel hollow from inside, I am already eaten up!”. When I was at the verge of a break down, he opened his mouth, but not to soothe me but to worsen my situation . He said that all his actions were governed by the thought that if he hurt me then, my feelings will get faded as I would start hating him and maybe that pain will be far less than the pain I will get when I see no reciprocation from his side. Believe me no one ….no one in this world had hurt me so badly, by doubting my pure feelings, saying that they will loose the charm by mere rudeness from his side. I felt that he had abused my soul, my feelings, the whole purpose of my existence.I questioned him,”So what do you think, are those feelings gone?…come-on tell me have they? No come-on…say a ‘Yes’ and scatter even the last pieces of my soul.” He just lowered his eyes and said,”No”.

I had no words for the moment, just a tear drop rolled down my cheek and a thought hovered my mind, whether I was right in expressing my feelings to a person who had no respect for them, who could never understand the depth? But I gained my senses back and questioned him,”Did you find my feelings so weak, that they would loose their importance in my heart ,on you just doing such foolish things?”……He said he was panic stricken on knowing the intensity of my feelings and he did not want to hurt me in future that’s why he was hurting me then! I just wanted to slap him….beat him with all the power I had! But what I did was just cry out loud, I was no way in my nerves.He took a step forward to console me, but I was so angry that he sympathizing me felt like insult for me,his touch felt like burning sensation in my body. I shove him off! He just said that he would have never disclosed this if he had not seen the pain and trauma I was going through, and he will not even be able to make me understand his point of view. I was in no situation to understand things so I just said BYE and started to walk away, but I don’t know why I just turned and hugged him tightly and cried on his chest like a baby. The pain, trauma and everything that was tearing me apart appeared to vanish the very moment he hugged me back tightly. Then I realized this cure would not be there for me in future and it would be wrong to take shelter in his arms to forget my pain. I just pushed him away and walked away.

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