My eyes were swollen and red because of crying for hours, still a thought was peeping into my head again and again, whether he is fine or is he disturbed because of whatever happened today? Maybe that’s the reason i replied him with a positive on chat when he asked me if I was fine , or maybe I didn’t want him to do something foolish again knowing that he was the cause of my grief. He promised to behave normally after that. But he was still thinking that he should have continued the same way so that I don’t feel hurt later on. To which I said that I might feel in whatever way I want and that is none of his concerns.
He started arguing with me regarding this……he said being a friend it was his responsibility to look-after me, but if I found that it was none of his business then its completely fine with him! I was so adamant in showing my fake rude side to him that, I declared his ideas and thinking no more influential to me (although his ideas have been and will always be my priority….whatever be the scenario!) he took it in a different sense and thought that his plan would have been a success at some stage or other if he had continued with his foolish plans. I had to throw off my facade at this point of time and told him that whatever I said was just to make him feel free from the burden of my feelings. He thought that it would be better for both of us if we become the same strangers who met few months back!
I had to stop this because this would cause pain in two hearts. Its better that I choose pain and trauma just for me and not for him too, because i was already broken and if he breaks down too then I see no way that i would be able to pull myself out of this den of grief!
He had such a position in my life where I can be happy just to see him smile. Its not a compromise on my part, I was rather being selfish. I would at least see him smile in-front of me, burst into laughter by cracking jokes on me, have fun of his lifetime by tagging me in some stupid memes on face-book, feel relieved on sharing his thoughts and pain with me, feel relaxed to have me by his side while walking along the deserted roads and sing his heart out.
I met him the next day……….I had to tell him that I would not let myself feel hurt when I see no reciprocation from his side, else he would continue blaming himself.But was that a complete and concrete truth? Would I really not feel hurt? What if he is attracted towards someone else? What if I see him admiring someone else in-front of me? Would i not feel jealous? Would I be able to stand all this? I convinced my mind to say a “YES” but my heart and soul said in unison “NO” I won’t! I am not some kind of saint or so….even I am a normal human being made of flesh and emotions. I too have a right to be selfish at times, I too can feel jealous, I too can have the audacity to express my feelings without thinking what the person in front may think of me, I too can feel possessive of the person I love and admire, I too can be MYSELF at times…..childlike, getting angry just to get attention, wanting just a token of affection in return of tremendous amount of love and dedication. But all this is restricted to my thoughts only. I know I have to take care of another person too and his well being has been put up in my priority list higher than that of mine…. So I am ready for it! Let’s handle the pain of two hearts single handed. The sorrows are for me and let him keep my share of happiness, but he should never ….never get aware of this. Let me keep my love in these words I write and he in the distance we have !