I am proud to hold such feelings which do not require a fueling system to power its existence in my heart. The only driving force are my feelings in its purest form and nothing else.And on the firm grounds of those feelings and due to the respect I hold for those I cannot allow anyone else to fill the gap in my heart. If someone else could gradually take the place I always wanted him to have in my life, it would mean that I am weak at my side, because I wanted love in return of my feelings and when I did not get that, it made me to move ahead. But no …..neither I had expected him to feel the same as I do for him, nor I live in the hope that time will make its move to bind him to my gravitational force and someday in future even his heart will sing the same song for me.
But sometimes I am forced to think whether I have chosen the right path in life? I may say that he is a free bird….I may say that I have left him to his choice.But whether me ‘leaving’ him and ‘letting’ him go mean the same? I guess NO,they don’t. There is a difference, there always is. I may try to step out of this world of my thoughts, but my weak heart will always cling to his memories, following them wherever he goes. This will never allow me to move out of him.
Age old sayings state that you must not run after whom you love and admire, but wait in the race for someone behind you, who loves you ,to catch you up.But is it that easy to incorporate in real life. Being a child I used to be confused as hell to choose between chocolates, my heart used to direct me towards the red-yellow lollies but they were very tiny in size, then i used to settle down with a bar of milk chocolate because it seemed quite big and would engage me for a lot more duration of time. So what if there were perks of choosing the big bar of chocolate, I always used to turn and have a look at the jar full of colourful lollies while I walked away with the chocolate in my hand.That last gaze used to snatch the importance of that chocolate in my life, proving that it had never been my first love. In the same way even if I move out of this one sided relationship and continue with my life, I would turn back every now and then to see him, in the hope of getting my lolly rather that this chocolate.
I cannot deny the fact that there is someone who see me as his world, and forgets the whole world when he is with me. He feels free to be just him in front of me,and not wearing any facade which he generally does for the world out there. He can speak absolute rubbish and still think that I would not judge him. The first time I met him he was a complete different personality, but when he felt that he can be the same childlike, innocent person with me which he has always wanted to be, he started to share his deep hidden feelings with me.At times I used to console him as a friend and at times scold him and say not to give importance to people who merely think of him, like a boss. I used to feel so relaxed while writing to him(we being more like pen friends!)although we were separated by miles.My insanity was the driving force which pulled him towards me. Although whatever I did for him was just what I would have done for any other friend who holds a place in my heart but sometimes the respect which I got from him made my soul quiver with the thought whether I deserved the same from the person whom I showered with all the love , respect and admiration? But what I feel for him deep inside my heart, cannot be felt the same way and with the same intensity for someone else. There is a ray of hope that things will fall at the right place at the right time…they definitely will.Although things would not be the same as this, not me, not this feeling…nothing! My heart will go on and always bear his memories in it. I did not feel that way on seeing his concern or care for me, I was just influenced by his ideologies, his perception of life, the way he keeps that curve on his lips in tough situations too. I always feel what makes him so sorted(rather pretends to be sorted when hurricanes are revolving inside him).So why on earth would someone else snatch away the position in my heart. The feeling when he sits beside me and consoles me at times when I am low makes me feel that only this person can handle every phase of my life.Just him and no one else can assemble my broken pieces, but him.
I never wanted my best friend to deal with the same situation in which I am, but I was giving him hopes day – by- day, each day when he talked to me, I felt as if he was taking shelter in my thoughts to soothe himself. I did not want him to keep hanging with my thoughts. So I had to be true to him and make him aware of my life. I was an open book to him except for the last page of my life, which revealed my feelings for someone else and brought a hurricane of sorrows in his life. All of a sudden the world turned upside down for him, he turned quiet for sometime and then left without saying a bit about himself. His b’day was nearing and I had plans for that day too, but everything was spoiled by just few words of mine. But this was necessary to clear the clouds of hopes and expectations for him because I would never be able to be the one for him.I could totally understand the pain and trauma he was going through, me being in his shoes. I tried my best to keep the things as they were earlier, but something had changed, that sarcastic laugh, the age old topics of school, those last benchers’ talks, that teasing regarding hostel food, that pulling of leg was missing! I know I would not find a friend like him in this whole world who never judged me, who was by my side when everyone took a step back, who used to feed me like a mother, scold me like a father, was a shoulder to my teary eyes, was all ears to my loud laughter…. I know that neither he would be able to leave my side, nor I would turn away from him.Just a bit of time is required. I was so upset that day thinking about the broken string of our friendship, but someone told me once that when there comes a knot in the broken string, the two ends of the string comes closer! I just hope him to be fine, actually more than fine, be the way he was always. I promised myself to bring “that” old friend of mine back to me.
I sometimes feel guilty of hurting a friend so close, all just because of a new person who has entered into my life. Does this new person even deserves to be privileged this way? Maybe yes, maybe no….. I am in no position to judge what is done by me. I just did what I felt is apt for the moment. So what if he is not taken? I AM, and that makes all the difference. I cannot think of someone else.Maybe the age old saying,”Everything is fare in love and war” appear to be a bit cliched or cheesy, but that is quite true when it comes to my mind. I am no more myself, the rationale me, when it comes to him. I just want to do whatever is in his favor,let that be defending him in front of others over pity issues, scolding him on not taking a stand for himself and being so outgoing.I had never given a second thought to my feelings and I never will, because I know that I cannot be wrong…. Not this time at least!