I keep on peeping inside my heart to look for an answer to a constant question revolving in my mind. A question which does not let me get a peaceful sleep, a question which at times questions my existence, a question which I fear that would remain unanswered for the ultimate. “When will my heart not skip a beat on seeing him , and my brain will smile?”
Every time he appears before me, those pages of my life unheard and unread by him are unfolded by the blow of time. How hard I try, I am not able to be normal from deep inside, I am not able to because my nerves are no more in my control. Although I fake a smile on my lips, but they tremble in agony, although I try to laugh out hard like I did earlier, but it has lost the spark, although I try to be the same childlike- bubbly one, but deep inside I have traveled much ahead in time and left that sweet, simple girl behind me, although I sing songs before people like I did earlier, but now they carry the meaning too to my heart rather than just music to ears, although I still be with people and they love my company, but only I know how reluctant I am to be among people, although I still try to speak through my eyes, but they have lost the charm and life, although I try to be the same insane, idiotic girl, but time has left its mark and I am no more the same. Because of all these reasons ‘The Question’ is eating me up. I used to love myself……there is nothing more satisfying than admiring oneself, but I no more do. I loved the way I used to carry myself in day to day life, the way I dealt with people and situations, never let the red-blue veins overpower my gray matter, handled everything with a curve on my lips, I used to be my own strength and motivation to strive harder. But how small I feel now, that just one person came across my way and everything changed. Now emotions overpower my rationale thoughts, There have been times when I have pardoned him when he was not sorry and accepted apologies which were never received, my name has slipped down his in my priority list, its him whose happiness and well being matters to me at the cost of mine. I know its not wrong to love someone this way, but it becomes wrong when you devote every piece of your body and soul to complete his incomplete puzzle and make yourself hollow with time. And this I have realised when the inner me shouted in my ears, “You have changed!!”.
We are not on the same page of the book, and I can’t keep on waiting for him to come along either. I have learned a very important lesson in life, don’t clutch the sand hard so that it stays within your fist, because the more harder you try to, the faster will the blow of time take those precious granules of sand away from you. Never try to clasp the ones you love close to you, let them fly and soar high. If they belong to you, they would find their way back to you once its dark. And in the process you can be a free bird too, free from the thoughts of the other one, free from tensions whether he is really worth your time and dedication, free from responsibilities of his well being. I don’t deny the fact that he would always be the irreplaceable part of me and my heart, I would always love him , neither is the case that my feelings have lost the intensity. Its just that when I lost myself, I had time to think over this a bit, and many more faces popped in my head who matter to me and I cannot let a single person snatch away their rights. I have responsibilities towards them , and myself too , as my whole life and existence doesn’t revolve around him, I have some goals in life and fulfilling those were the ultimate goal for my parents.So I have decided to make a move forward and bring back the older version of me back to life. I know these feelings cannot go that easily with a single press of SHIFT+DEL on the keypad, so what? Who wants them to go? Neither I am guilty of having them in my heart, nor do I want them to go. These feelings are an inevitable part of me now, its just that I would have to find a better way to keep them going in me. No sacrifices on my part, I will no more belittle myself and I would try to rise back in my priority list. I would have to prove that Love has actually created me, not broken me down. Someone told me that you never experience happiness unless and until you have been through a phase of sorrow, because everything is relative, you don’t get the taste of success unless you have tasted failure, the same is with the happiness. You get to know its importance and worth in your life only after you have cried a lot,you then only cherish and protect it like your baby. He has made me realise how important ‘I’ am for myself, although the epiphany came a bit late. Wherever I be, wherever he goes, he would always be my best friend and I would always want the best to happen to him. I would always love him the way I do and I am sure that he too would love me in his own way, which he always said that he did. And I always hope that the right thing will fall at the right place , at the right time……….for both of us!
-Signing off (as the present me, to get on a quest to bring back the older me!)