Its different today! Earlier I loved the morning sun rays to fill my room, to pierce my eyes, just because I knew he would be there to close the curtains for me, come to my bedside and gently kiss my forehead to wake me up. But today I don’t want this cruel sun stoning at me with its rays and making me realise how lonely I am today……… how hollow I am when he is not there with me.The morning tea is no more refreshing, it has lost the essence as the cup is no more kissed by his lips. I just wanted the nights to be a bit more longer so that the pillow could soak more of my tears and saturate itself with some part of my pain.But I still like sitting there by the side of the window and watch the crow feeding its babies. It triggers many memories down the memory lane…… Memories of me and him watching those crows together, finding the purity of love in them, finding care and selflessness in them, those smiles of us which he promised would last for a lifetime. Today every smile, every word of his seems to be hollow. nowadays I just sit here and look out of the window, a gaze which awaits the long-lost love, a never-ending wait for him, where every car stopping by makes me skip a beat, any kind of noise startles me.
I don’t know since when I have been sitting here by the window, the cup is still up to the brim but the tea is as cold as I am. The sky is turning pinkish outside and flock of birds returning. I think its evening now. I have been sitting here since morning, without food, without water and maybe without life too! Yes!……The day he left me, I stopped breathing, I think I had stopped living. I died even before cancer could eat me up. He promised me that he would always be by my side, no matter how worse the situation becomes. But it seems leaving my hand at the mid of the sea, when every wave is against my flow was easier for him than to face my disease. I Have had sleepless nights, not because of the physical pain but because of him wishing for my death. In these twelve years of our marriage I have devoted every part of my body and soul to complete his puzzle, because I thought he completes me, but I did not know that he would leave me hollow.
In these years, to search for love I have lost myself and now when I see myself in the mirror, I don’t just see wrinkles, I see marks of time on me stating that I am love starved; I don’t just see the once upward curve of my lips now drooping downwards, I see agony of being left alone; I don’t just see shrunken eyes, I see helplessness in those eyes which used to kiss the cheeks while laughing out hard once upon a time; I don’t just see baldness that has come from the chemo, I see the mirror shouting out to me that I no more deserve to look beautiful as there is no one to admire me. I remember myself standing here….. At the same place, looking at myself in the mirror. It was our eleventh anniversary. He came from the back and just grabbed me by my waist. A question from him was more than a thousand words to define how beautiful I was to him, “Why do you have to look at the mirror to know if you look fine? Do my eyes appear deceiving to you?” But that love, that care, that admiration faded away with a single piece of paper stating that time is slipping very fast from my hands. Just a news broke of my disease and he broke all those ties and bonds which held us together. Was it that easy?Just a message on phone, “I am leaving!”. I thought he was leaving for office, but who knew that he had left me forever. I had his favorite dish ready at the table rajma chawal, and was waiting for him that night. I wanted my last days to be the best days, so that I don’t have any regrets. The hands of the clock had stopped there I think, time had stopped there maybe. Because he did not come…. He did not come home that day, he did not come back to me!
The ticktock of the clock still waits for him, I still wait for him. But I don’t want cancer to eat me up before this wait is over. This void room, these walls, which have not heard his voice since long, this lifeless house….. Everything is shouting out to me that he is not going to be back, he is long lost, he was lost much before the day he left this house, he was lost the same day my medical reports seemed to be bondage for him.Neither do I have the stamina to oppose them, nor do I have the courage to live with this lie anymore. I am in a dilemma whether to choose right where nothing is left or to go left, which is not right? I chose myself finally. I knew that this world would no more suffice my needs. I wanted to fly high, feel free. In my life nothing happened according to my will, my marriage did not last, the love did not last, my own body no more supports me! But I have the right to decide my end at least. I would not let cancer take away my last breath, I and only I have the right to do so.
The blade felt heavy in my hands. Standing in front of the mirror, I gazed at myself…..for one last time. A change was there today on my face surprisingly. There was a layer of satisfaction all over my face, maybe because of the fact that I was going to be a free bird. Free from the cage of cancer, free from those entangled strings that held me to him, but he was not there in the bond, free from this hollowness, free from my fears, free from this silence. The cold metal touched my veins and blood drops were there on the white tiled floor like numerous stars on the sky. Gradually blood took the shape of a crescent moon, getting bigger and bigger with each blood drop, and took the shape of a full moon. My eyes felt heavy, my body was no more able to bear its own weight, I could sense life escaping from me. I still hoped to see him back. My lifeless body still waits for him. I just want him to kiss my forehead and tell me “I am with you dear”. Leaning on the floor I could see him sitting there, taking me to his arms and gently caressing my forehead. I lifted my hand to touch him, to touch him for one last time, I wanted him to be the last earthly thing that I touched. The feeling of my hands reaching him brought a smile on my face, a smile which a sixteen year old gets from seeing her crush, the smile a bride gets to see her groom on the wedding day, the smile a girl gets to see the man whom she loved more than she loved herself. I don’t know whether my hands reached him or not……..