Why do they call it a “crush”? Is it because that is the way you feel when he doesn’t feel the same in return! Well maybe….
But the concern every word of his reflects, his anger when he says to me that I should not let anyone make fun of me, his dominance over me while fighting, his child-like smile that turned disastrous days into sweet memories, his laughter that makes me realize what is the thing that I want in my life….I wish all these were absent in my life! These things make me feel empty and hollow from deep inside and a voice loud and clear shouts in my ears”NOT IN YOUR REACH !”. Life would have been much easier to deal with if you did not ask me that question, and I, being in the drift, had not answered it so easily. Why on earth did you ask the name…the name of the person who has thrown life into me, who has captivated me by his charm, and why did I tell you, God knows! After confessing deep secrets hidden inside this tiny soul, believe me it was not that easy to say, “It’s not possible between us”, and to add to my troubles you asked me “Why do you think it’s not possible?” with a look as if you were reading my soul by peering through my eyes. I just had to break the eye contact, else the gravitation governed by your eyes would have pulled more secrets apart from me.The dilemma running through my mind like a hurricane, when I wished that you feel everything by yourself without me intruding into your thoughts, and on the other hand I was scared to accept my own feelings and my fake thoughts-that nothing has happened, continued to prevail over my feelings. You thought that your promise to be friends always and let nothing turn awkward between us would cheer me up, but my heart said that you were wrong for the first time in your life, rather it made my heart scatter into pieces.
We were good friends, still I don’t know what forced something to change between us. The loud laughter had turned into eye contacts and a smile followed by lowering of eyes from both the sides, the friendly touch suddenly began to soothe injuries, the pain started and ended into two different souls, the mention of a name startled me, the wait for a like on Facebook brought more excitement, the smile was of a different kind that came from reading old messages.
I had never expected him to take me on dinner dates, rather he took me out for walks along the deserted and not so explored roads. Just a call on my phone and he asking me,”Where are you?….wanna join me for a walk?” and I used to get one more chance to peep into his heart a bit more. But I could never understand whether they were just walks or something more for him. Although he said they were just casual walks, when he is free from his daily routine, but whenever I used to question my importance in his life , he always mentioned those walks and said that he does not go walking with every random person in the world! Leave it be ……I had never let these things hover in my mind for long, they always take away the essence of the moment!
He walking by my side and his playlist reveal more to me than his deceiving eyes do. There are times when both of us are silent and he breaks it with some stupid topic or mere words like,”So, what else?”just to avoid me, pulling more secrets out of his silence. I still remember the first walk we had…..although it was to sort out our differences but that day I could see a whole new person in front of me, sharing his whole life page by page ,word by word. His ex-crushes that caused pain to him, his childhood that was no less than a nightmare, his difficulties as a village origin, his defense of being a grammar Nazi,his best friends, instances when he was low, moments when he cried, times when he was elated….and what not! He himself accepted that he had never shared those memories with anyone, only friends who were with him since long have got a key to these secret emotions. I understand, he in a drift of emotions opened up his heart in front of me, to acknowledge my feelings that I had expressed to him.
He once promised me a chocolate, and God knows why on earth he wanted me to have ‘his’ favorite chocolate. Every time I poked him, his defense was,”I am still searching for that particular chocolate!” Finally he gave up and settled with some other chocolate(not that I cared for the flavor of chocolate, rather my interest was in this flavor of our friendship!). It was some other random day and I as always making fun of him regarding the chocolate…..he suddenly popped the chocolate into my mouth. But my bad luck….I dropped half of it…..Doesn’t matter that eventually added to my laughter! The funniest part is that we fight like cats and dogs. Every other person who see us walking would take us to be insane completely. Every emotion is wrapped up in innocence for us. We at times blur out many intense things which might seem to be completely illogical for anyone else but that makes deep impact on our hearts, for just we know what we said and what we actually meant ! We go on speaking rubbish but all that gets added to my memory that I am going to cherish for life. I never show that I agree with him or my thoughts resonate with that of his. I love the feeling when he goes on correcting me. My happiness does not reside in his victory, rather its there when I lose before him. His smile when he feels triumphant over me is just enough for me to forget the tiredness and irritation of day long.I always wait for a ring on my phone flashing his name around the evening. Because I know it would not be just a walk………..it would be two souls talking rather than two bodies walking!
He has always been a mystery to me,a kind of mystery which I don’t feel like chasing, because its beautiful the way it is. He tries to keep his doors shut to all emotions and don’t even let them flow, but his eyes say it all. He is different from the rest, and that is what attracts people towards him. Now let it be his aura, his innocent eyes or the childlike smile, that makes me feel a positive vibe around him. Everything he does or comes up with is enchanting! As if he has thrown life into anything he touches….the Midas touch. His smile gives me ways to find happiness. He is a person who can cross seas and jump boundaries to help others, he is too outgoing. This selfless nature of his had put a charm on me. This may sound insane but the accident I met once turned into a memory, not because of the cuts and bruises, but because of him standing by my side and soothing them. I don’t know the reason but I was on cloud nine when the mental trauma got healed in a moment after he touched me. He was at the same time scolding me, telling me to be careful from the next time, and caressing my injured arm. It was quite evident from those flickering eyes that he himself was sharing a part of my pain. The feelings came all over again and I was confused whether my physical wounds were healing or soul falling apart! The more I try to resist those feelings, the more caring he becomes. You now !…you have to stop this, else my brain and heart would soon begin a war against each other.