I was meaning to write to you since long, but some restraining force kept me from doing so, and that restraining force was no other than the verbal stoning of the people around you and me.But you had enough of it, I had enough of it…..now its high time that your best friend makes you understand that you are on the wrong track dear! I fear that you are changing and this change does not seem to make you happier,I fear you are loosing your own self for the crowd who seem to be with you if you see with open eyes , but when you close your eyes and try to see with your heart you will see no traces of them.
You are no more the cheerful girl whom I knew since past two decades, you nowdays restrict your laugh which used to reflect your true soul and pure heart, and why……. Just because few people told you to stop acting insane in the crowd? How well do they know you? Do they have the slightest idea that you have earned that laughter from time, waited over years so that your dull face , downward curve on lips could transform into a smile and gradually to this hearty laughter? Are they aware what time had charged you for this? I know you better than you do because I have seen you grow, I have seen that little girl turning into a beautiful lady , beautiful in a different way. Hence no other person knows this answer better than I do, ‘NO’. So why do you let them stop you from laughing out so hard that tears roll down the corner of your eyes from laughing? why do you let them restrict the true ‘you’ to come out? why?
Last day I was watching you from a distance, you seemed to be struggling with that little black dress of yours. You said ‘no more’ to cargoes and a ‘thumb’s up’ to being dressy……fine! But who told you that you cannot look good in those clothes you wear at your own will, in which you feel comfortable, in which you can be just ‘you’? Since when did you start assuming that your beauty lies in the surfacial hide that you take? You are beautiful because of the heart you have, which is as pure as that of a child, your beauty lies in those eyes of yours, which have deep secrets hidden in them, you are admired by the innocent smile you have, you are beautiful because of those cheeks which are kissed by your eyelashes when your eyes close due to your laughter. I agree that there is always a better ‘you’ hidden somewhere, and life is all about the quest to search for it. There is no harm in presenting you in a better way to the crowd, but you have to understand the line between ‘Self enhancement’ and ‘Self endangerment’. In the race of improving yourself ,you did not realise when you had crossed the line and headed towards endangerment. You have every right to prove yourself superior to others, but that should not come at the expense of your true self.
Be the way you are, don’t hide yourself in the clouds of fakeness that blur your beauty.
Since when did you start to suppress your feelings? Last night you were upset, but still you did not cry out loud holding your pillow, you just faked a smile. But I saw your lips trembling.Yes you are emotional…… So what? Why fear the selfish world who would mock at your tears for a while and then let it go? When no one was by your side, I was. I have seen your world turning upside down and you falling apart. You did not hesitate to pour your heart out then, you just let those emotions flow with each drop of salty water from the corner of your eyes. Believe me I was as upset as you were, but I did not stop you….. Do you know why? Because I knew what was right for you, I knew that letting the pain flow out in the form of tears would soothe your heart. Remember one thing, you don’t prove yourself strong by restricting your emotions, rather cry….cry out loud, and then put your best foot forward to put everything back to place in your life.
You are no more the brave girl I knew. You were a person who valued failures more than success, because they made you what you are today. Your failures are the back-story of your success. Then why do I see you hiding your not so good mark sheets? Why do you pretend that you are fine with the rejection at the publishing house, who dropped your ideas stating them as naive? Why do you not touch your typewriter and finish the unfinished novel of yours? Just because of one failure you gave up?Why did the walls of your room heard all those shrieks which came from the pain you were going through? You did not made it to the college beauty pageant and you stopped believing in yourself. A rejection at the campus selection and you thought its over. A friend left and you thought you cannot trust anyone now.I doubt myself, whether the person I knew was in some parallel world? Because you always believed in yourself. Just like one success point is not the final goal for you to achieve, in the same way a single failure cannot stop your quest to bring about the best in you. And I know you can do it because I have seen you falling and then again rising back millions of times. So why are you not collecting yourself back from your broken pieces? Broken crayons also do colour. Unless and until you are broken you don’t know what are you made up of, what is lying deep inside you to still discover.
Why are you forcing yourself to become an extrovert? Is it just because extroverts get to mingle with people more and they are the ones who become the center of gravity of any get together? You are completely fine the way you are,you observe more than you speak. Just because you are not saying anything doesn’t mean you have nothing to say. You enjoy listening to others and comment only when its absolutely necessary. You don’t have to say a word here and there to grab attention. You really don’t have to talk foolish to force a conversation. The ones who really be there for you will enjoy your company even if you just pass a smile to their endless talking. You are an introvert…so? Just because you are an introvert doesn’t mean you are shy or you are afraid to face the world. Its just that you have a different way to respond to situations, you think a bit more before saying something, you prefer to keep quiet until you feel its completely necessary to comment. People who were meant to be by your side actually, they would be anyway. They would understand that you are not anti-social but selectively social. They would not drag you into groups or parties unless you want to. And if they do , its a bell that they are not the ones. Don’t get those clouds of doubt to hover above you that you are not good enough to present yourself in front of people, or you cannot take a stand in front of others. Neither is the case that you are afraid of faces, nor that you cannot be loud enough to be heard in front of the crowd. Rather you tend to think more rationally than others do, and hence you can prove to be one of the best orators. It doesn’t matter how much you speak, what matters is how well you speak.
Yesterday you were outraged at your mom just because she did not allow you to go on a trip with your friends. And don’t you dare lie to me! How much you take a stand for yourself that you shouted because you did not want to miss the so called trip, I know that is not the case. You actually did not want to say it in front of your friends that you have been denied permission by you parents at this age too. So what? What is their to be ashamed of it? They are your parents, and they know what is better than you more than you do. I understand that you should be independent and see the world on your own feet to know it better. But your parents have also sacrificed a lot for you, so what if you had to sacrifice one of your fantasies to be on a trip for them? You don’t have to pretend that you are grown up and can take your own decisions, in front of your friends. You know what? Nowadays a phone call from home feels like a burden to you, because they load you with too many questions. Right? But you can go on chatting with friends for hours! Give it a thought…… You don’t feel the need of hearing the voices of those who have seen you since past twenty years, but can’t wait to hear from a friend who just made way to your life couple of days ago. After twenty more years these faces would change, what would remain constant is those voices who longed to hear about your safety by asking, “Is everything going well in college beta?”, wanted to know if you are in good health by asking,”What did you have for dinner today?”, scolded you for not getting up early in the morning because they know that you must have slept late at night, which will affect your health. Remember to remember those who were by your side when no one was, that is your parents.Maturity is not when you can talk to your dad in the same tone he does with you, but in the same childlike manner, no matter how grown up you are. Maturity is not pretending to know everything, but to take advises from your mom even for small things. Maturity is not proving your parents wrong, but by being on their side and proving them right in their eyes.
Your pillow soaks all your emotions at night. You have lost the grace which I used to adore. A mistake in life to choose the wrong path and it shattered you. You just loved him with all your soul and heart. You have given every piece of yourself to complete his incomplete puzzle, and in the process you stand there, hollow! But did life stop? Did nature stopped proving us that selfless love does exist? Did the people around you who love you stopped searching for that smile back on your face? NO, so what made you stop? Believe in yourself, that things will fall at the right place, at the right time. Till then don’t get drunk on the diluted versions of love! What’s meant for you will come to you and what was not right for you would turn away from you. So its better that the wrong ones go and make way for the one who is fit for you.
You are trapped dear! And with you me too, in this maze where you are neither satisfied nor happy, but just trying to be the person everyone else wants you to be. What is the need to change yourself when you can always make a mark on those hearts which really know and appreciate you for what you are, and not for what they want you to be. Every day you are getting more and more into the maze and its becoming difficult for me to pull you out of it. I still try to bring those memories back to you when we were so happy together, it was just you and me, living our lives to the fullest! Do you remember the day when you stepped into your first puddle on your way back home? I laughed so hard; the day you bunked the maths lecture and mom was called to the school! I was standing right beside you, with my eyes gazing at the floor; Those late night quests in the kitchen to find ice-cream or leftover piece of cake, we were partners in crime; how can I forget the day you came home sobbing, I just wanted to slap that boy right on his face so hard that he would never do such a thing with any girl ever; The first fight with mom, and after that those moments of saying sorry and hugging her so tight to say “Never leave me mumma!”, I was smiling looking at you from the distance; The day you left for hostel and dad had tears in his eyes for the first time I could remember in my whole life. All those days when you being the chatter box and me the lone listener, those nights of endless talking when you spoke your heart out to me like a baby. I am here to bring everything back. I am not going to leave you here…alone…..sinking deeper and deeper into the maze, which might one day eat up the girl I love . Hold my hands and come out dear, I will pull you out….I can’t loose you!
The lost version of yourself